


You know it isn't true

by Ive_never_read_fluff



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Deceit Sanders Angst, Deceit Sanders Lies, Deceit | Janus Sanders-centric, Hurt Deceit | Janus Sanders, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 06:02:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24300046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff
Summary: Janus loved.And it made him so, very, extremely fucked up inside.[Vent fic, so there's run-on sentences, as it's meant to be his thoughts.]
Comments: 2
Kudos: 72





	You know it isn't true

Janus loved. 

He loved and loved and loved until there was no more love to give. Oh, he loved so much. So many. Though he knew they didn't love him back, they couldn't. No one could. First it was Virgil, he loved him first. And everyone knows what happened between them (or at least has their own theories). What caused him to leave, what made him hate Jan with a passion. It was tragic. A mistake, a simple misunderstanding that ended in chaos. Janus wouldn't allow himself to remember the details. That'd only end in heartbreak each and every time, and he didn't want that at all. Janus loved Virgil.

He thought he was finally starting to get over Virgil, he thought, but of course he was wrong. Because he started crushing on Logan. If he liked Logan now then he was over Virgil, surely. That is how it works, right? Well apparently not. Logan was so great, he was smart, he was cute, he was so cool to be around. Maybe it was the way he walked, maybe it was how his voice was so udderly addicting and how you could listen to it all day, maybe it was when he accidentally made a dad joke and tried to cover it up, maybe it was his smile and how it could make the darkest and stormiest of days be bright and sunny and beautiful, maybe it was just Logan existing. Janus loved Logan.

While he was crushing on Logan and effortlessly trying to forget about his feelings for Virgil, he found himself feeling that same way he does for Virgil and Logan, for.. Roman.. and Patton? At the same time? All of them, yes, he felt the same way for all of them. Why? How? Can't you only love one person - side -? Yeah, obviously, but then why does he love all of them? Is it even love? Maybe it's just a friendship type of thing? He wouldn't know, he's only been 'friends' with Virgil, and even then, Virge said it was a mistake. Being friends with Janus was a mistake, is a mistake. He's a mistake.

Okay getting off topic, he's supposed to be worrying about his crushes. Yes! Oh god, why does he have 4 crushes? One would be fucking bad enough, but the heartache of having four?! Oh no, how can he ever deal with this shit? Maybe he wasn't and maybe, suicide was the answer and maybe, it's not worth it and maybe, he's not worth it, not worth anything.

Off topic. Okay so; the reasons he thinks he might like them -love them-? Anyway: he loves them in every thing they do, all the little tics, the small things normal people wouldn't notice, the way Virgil hides his laugh at one of Patton's dad jokes or at Roman's childish antics or at Logan's lack of 'slang', the way Logan is actually a huge softie despite acting cold and heartless because he's not a robot dammit- he's just as much as a side as the rest and he's really cool and he has so much to share, the way Roman was always off on some wild adventure and how he'd tell them about it ~~(Janus overheard him a few times because he wasn't invited)~~ or his rants about the Dragon Witch, the way Patton was so much like a father figure and how he was so so very caring for everyone ~~(except Janus).~~

Yep so he definitely liked them. Loved? Maybe? But he wasn't ready to say that. Hell even if he did love them all that that, they wouldn't reciprocate the feelings. They barely want him around. He's bad, he's worthless, he's a bad guy, he's nothing, fuck he's sad, he's so very sad it's almost like he's depressed but he's not because he's fine and he's a liar and he can't help it, it's his second nature!! He can't help that he lies like it'll keep him alive! He's tried, oh he's tried. So hard. But it doesn't work, of course it doesn't, nothing does, he's hopeless oh god. He doesn't even believe in God why is that his go to?!

Maybe he does and he's just lying to himself? Oh.. oh no he's a mess. A hot, flaming, raging, discomposing mess! He can't do anything right, he's tried to write fictional stories as a way to vent without saying it's his feeling because he doesn't need too, but he can't, he can't. 

He can't do anything fuck. Nothing, nothing. But it's Everything and he loves and he loves but it's not right. His love is misplaced and wrong and he doesn't know anything and he's so so fucking confused!! Someone help him, please, for the love of God, please someone help him before he commits suicide and please! And it's scary, knowing how much he wants to die, fuck, but he doesn't, y'know it's more like 'if I died right now I wouldn't mind' kind of thing. It's also 'i want to die please I'm so scared of myself oh dear I could kill myself so easily it's so easy just a bottle of pills or a loaded gun or poison or a rope or anything I'm so scared of myself but it's more scary to admit it god save me please' type of thing.

He's already tried it twice and they've failed, obviously, oh god he's such an idiot, he doesn't deserve to live, fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, why did Virgil leave him, fuck, why does Remus hate him, fuck, why is he the bad guy, why is that his role, why does he feel so bad, why, why, why?! Why's he in love with people who hate him? Why is he in love with more than one person? It doesn't make sense.. he doesn't make sense. He wants to live, dear God, he wants to live but he goes into a sort of depressive state in episodes, like one day he'll be fine and content with ignoring his shit and same night he'll break apart in his bed. It's weird and confusing and fuck he's just trying goddammit!!

Janus loved and he loved and he loved and he loved, he loved so much and none of it would be reciprocated and it hurts it burns. He hurts and he burns himself and he cuts himself and he starved himself and he every day feels like he's playing Russian Roulette: the gun is his feelings and the bullet is a huge rush of a depressive episode. And it's scary, it's fear. It's knowing why 10 year old him cried himself to sleep on then rare occasion he slept, it's facing his demons without anything or anyone to help him, it's like being thrown into the nether with nothing but a single block of dirt and a poisoned potato! 

It's queer, it's clear, it's fear, it's here and in his face and there's nothing he can do about it except let it kill him, slowly and painfully and it stops just when he's about to go unconscious only to start up again once he's not on the brink of death. And the worst part is that it's all inside his head. He's insane, he feels himself going insane but has yet to be gifted with the sweet unhingeness of insanity. 

Janus loved.

And it led him to having all these fucking problems and no answers and all alone and he regrets so much.

And Janus loved.

**Author's Note:**

> HNGGGGHHH ITS A VENT IM SORRY BUT IM NOT 😖


End file.
